Choices
by ficklemuse
Summary: It’s Pansy Parkinson’s sixth year at Hogwarts. She faces the choice between destroying the illusion that she’s living or keeping up appearances. Will she choose two years of torment from the Slytherins or will she follow the steps of her family?
1. Pansy's Musings

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything in this story except the portrayal of Pansy. Pansy, Harry, Draco, Hermione, etc. belong to J.K. Rowling.

**Chapter 1**

'_Here we go again_,' I sighed. The start of term feast had ended not too long ago and Dumbledore had asked for silence in the Great Hall. This _always_ meant that he was about to give one of his ridiculous speeches. Sure enough, the old man began to drone on while I looked for ways to distract myself.

"Welcome back! I would like to extend my fondest greetings to our new first years and also to our returning students. Please bear with me as we go through our annual notices," he began. I knew exactly what he was going to say but I decided that I might as well pay attention; I wouldn't want to look like an _irresponsible prefect,_ would I?

"Our caretaker, Mr. Argus Filch, would like to remind the students that magic is not allowed in the corridors between classes and announce that any student caught using a portable swamp will have detention until the end of term. I do not have the heart to argue this punishment, so heed the warning and obey it."

"Now that I am back as headmaster, I would also like to announce that all previous bans will be lifted after a careful review of the incidents that led to said ban. In addition, any groups formed by last year's temporary headmistress will now be disbanded. This also includes her Inquisitorial Squad."

This last bit was unsurprising news to me, but infuriating nonetheless. I knew the old git would never allow students to interfere with Potter's free reign over the school; it's precious _Potter_ after all! What bothered me most was the load of bollocks that I was going to hear from my mum about how Dumbledore was ruining the school and how she couldn't wait for the Dark Lord to overthrow him. The dissolution also cut down the power I had around school, making me no better than Weasley or that mudblood, Granger. I comforted myself in the fact that I still had my prefect privileges; I could still dock points from any snot-nosed Gryffindor that crossed my path. I looked down the table… Draco was as incensed as I was. He had my sympathies; I could just imagine the tantrum that Lucius Malfoy would throw. It would be worse than anything dear old mum could say.

"Now, as you all know, we are living through a dark period. I must emphasize how vital it is to learn all you can while you are here at Hogwarts. The world outside these grounds is not as safe as one would like to think, so, please, listen to an old man's advice. With that said, I bid you all a good night and good luck for this new term!"

I took my time getting up from the table and leaving. Dumbledore's final statements really resonated with me. It played on certain thoughts that had occurred to me over the summer. You see, you'd think that with a family full of dark wizards and Death Eaters that I'd turn out the way they had. Here is the thing; I'm not the same. I hate mudbloods and half-bloods in general but I don't have any inclination to do away with them like my parents and the Dark Lord. In truth, it's his control and dominance that keeps me from becoming a Death Eater. To have one man, or sadistic beast as I see him, wield so much power over me, my friends, my family, and anyone I cared about? No, I could never put my life, or the life of those around me, under his jurisdiction. Oh, I put up a brilliant façade, there's no doubt. I've got my whole family and everyone in the Slytherin dormitories convinced that I will be the next Bellatrix Lestrange. After all, not many besides Draco could match some of my curses. To be honest, though, the Dark Lord's resurrection has stricken such a fear in me that I never knew possible.

As I walked, I caught up with some of the other Slytherin girls. Draco referred to these as my 'devotees' as they always followed me, hanging on my every word. I immersed myself in their conversation about Umbridge's short reign last term. As it would, the conversation soon turned to the disbandment of the Inquisitorial Squad.

"I bet you must be really pissed off at Dumbledore, Pansy. I mean, it's really not fair for him to do so," said one of the girls, Elizabeth Harding, turning to face me.

"Oh, I'm furious, but it wasn't really a surprise to me. Any git with half a brain would've known that Dumbledore was going to get rid of the Squad. He wouldn't want anyone to interfere with his Darling Army of course," I snickered. "After all, it's Potter's idea… and we all know Potter is the king of this castle!"

"Honestly, Pansy, I never thought you'd have become one of his adoring fans. It just goes to show, even some of the best can sink to such filth," scoffed someone behind me. I wheeled around and saw Draco wearing one of his 'infamous' smirks.

"Oh, sod off, Draco!" I said in mock annoyance. He offered me his arm and I promptly linked my arm through his. Draco may be an egotistical, pompous, and overbearing prat sometimes, but we get along well. We also have appearances to keep up.

Harry Potter isn't the only one with a fan club of sorts. The Slytherin dormitories are filled with squealing Draco admirers. It's hardly possible to sit around the common room for more than half an hour and not hear girls whispering about how 'handsome' and 'devilish' he is. I can't say I disagree, but I would never date him. After all, we have a deal. If I pretend to be his 'female interest' and keep away his fangirls, he won't tell about the time I walked in on his father, half-dressed, during the summer after our second year.

We reached the dungeons and I slipped my arm out of Draco's. I said a short goodnight to the rest of the group and headed to the dormitories while everyone else hung around the common room, talking about a myriad of things. I changed into my bedclothes and lay on my bed, with the curtains drawn. My thoughts automatically turned back to the Dark Lord's return. How would I avoid my parents' questions? How would I react to the backlash from everyone around me?

A sudden thought came upon me. It had been nagging me since the feast but I had ignored it. It was unthinkable, preposterous, and just bloody impossible. But maybe… no. It wouldn't work and they'd never let it happen. Still, the odds that I'd be allowed would increase a little if only I talked to one of them. I've got nothing to lose though, right?

It only took a little more planning and some imagination for me to make my final decision. Tomorrow morning I would send Hermione Granger an owl asking her to meet me in the library after dinner. If she met me there, I'd present my proposal. I would ask if I could join Dumbledore's Army.


	2. The Proposal Part I

Chapter 2 The Proposal (Part I)

The Great Hall was overrun with people running back and forth greeting friends from other houses while teachers handed out schedules. Some, however, were busy snogging their significant others. I had to turn my head so as not to retch at the sight of Corner and Chang going at it right under (or should I say over) Flitwick's nose.

As soon as I sat down, Professor Snape came over and handed me my schedule. I looked it over, concentrating on any of the classes that I might share with Granger or Potter. I had Advanced Potions after History of Magic with Binns, which I knew Granger was sure to take and Potter as well, if he had passed his O.W.L.s. The rest of my schedule read as usual except for divination, which I had chosen to drop after my O.W.L.s. No need to clutter up time with useless babble from that hag; I've had enough death and marriage predictions to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.

Draco sauntered by and I raised my head as he sat down next to me. Crabbe planted himself on Draco's other side while Goyle attempted to sit down next to me. I shot him a warning glance and placed my books on the bench; I did not want that oaf eating near me. He understood the hint and left, with a grunt, to sit next to Crabbe.

"I see you've decided to keep 'Care of Magical Creatures' then, Pansy?" asked Draco as he snatched my schedule out of my hands and sneered at my course selections.

"Yes, and what of it? I see no reason to give it up," I replied coolly while snatching his schedule from under mine. Draco had a similar schedule as I with one exception; 'Care of Magical Creatures' was replaced with 'Arithmancy'.

"Oh! You've missed the biggest reason Pansy! Or have you just forgotten that imbecile of a teacher, Hagrid?" exclaimed Draco in mock incredulity. This drew a chorus of laughter from all the surrounding students with the exception of Blaise, who snorted and continued to read the _Prophet_.

"Honestly, this place is in such a revolting state; Dumbledore will let anyone in. Look at all the rubbish we've seen! First there's all the mudbloods like Granger, though that's not new. During our second year, he hires that buffoon Lockhart who couldn't tell one end of a wand from another. We had that filthy half-breed Lupis or Lupin or whatever he's called, in our third year. Two years ago, he let that mad man, Moody, run around and the year after that we got Umbridge. She was the only sane one we've had so far since Quirrel, who was a bit too twitchy for my taste," he continued, ticking off the examples with his fingers. I didn't have to look up from my schedule to know that everyone was nodding in agreement with Draco.

Being close to someone like Draco Malfoy truly gave me a chance to see why the people at my table were sorted into Slytherin House. Seeing a chance to move ahead, my ever- ambitious Slytherin peers aligned themselves with their boost up the proverbial ladder. Some, like Blaise, Crabbe, Goyle, and myself, held genuine respect, or admiration in Crabbe and Goyle's case, for Draco. Others thought of Draco as their best bet for a good reputation. He's the son of a very prominent wizarding figure and a word from Draco could make them very well respected or scum on the robes of others. True, Lucius was in Azkaban at the time but I didn't think that's going to ruin his reputation at all; it didn't do so before. He obviously had some influence, seeing as he was allowed owls from Draco and Narcissa as well as being housed in a very minimum-security cell. Chances were high that he'd get off with another 'Imperius Curse' excuse.

"Well, Draco, you know very well how I feel on the matter so there's no need for me to agree or disagree with you," I answered. "However, I've got an owl to send to my mum and since you're done with your usual 'Hogwarts is the pits' diatribe, I think it'd be proper to leave you now," I exclaimed with a false tone of condescension.

"You're leaving? Now who's going to listen to my brilliant ideas to get Potter horribly maimed?" he asked in mock sorrow.

I gave him my usual 'arched-eyebrow smirk' as he called it and conceded a friendly peck on the cheek, much to the despair of his admirers, and quickly left the Great Hall. As soon as I was at a far enough distance, I stopped walking and opted to jog to the owlery.

Calling down one of the school owls, I checked my pocket for Hermione's letter. I had written it early this morning along with a letter to my mother about my uneventful return to Hogwarts. As I tied the letter to the owl, my own owl hooted reproachfully and watched with a look of disapproval.

"Don't worry, Dante, I've got something for you as well," I said as I finished giving the school owl his directions. He was to deliver this note quickly and inconspicuously before dinner and he should not let anything stop him from doing so. Calling down Dante, I fished around my robes for my mother's letter and checked it over again, making sure that there was enough to keep her satisfied but short enough so that she wouldn't send me a novel. I gave Dante his usual directions about letters to my mother, "Take your time and if you lose her reply, all the better", and sent him off.

With the easiest part of my quest done, I headed down to History of Magic for another 'rousing' class with Professor Binns.

.o0o.

Through each of my classes, I counted the minutes until dinner and I could hardly eat when lunch came around though no one seemed to notice. Early during the lunch, Draco opened a package from Narcissa, which he had received near the end of breakfast. It contained a letter from Lucius, another from Narcissa, and a package of Fizzing Whizbees. Being the arrogant prat that is at times, Draco made sure to raise his voice as he gloated over the treat and commented on his parents' abundance of love and wealth. As expected, his performance drew looks from Potter, who rolled his eyes and snickered, no doubt at a pathetic comment from Weasley.

However, none of this provided any sort of distraction from my feelings of stress and anxiety. By the time dinner came around, I was a having a minor anxiety attack although it hardly looked it. The only outward difference was my sarcasm and my laugh; my comments were a bit crueller and my laugh sounded more annoyingly high-pitched and banshee-like than usual. Inwardly, however, my heart was racing and it seemed to have moved somewhere near my stomach.

I arrived at the Great Hall early so I was one of the few students there. I took my usual seat in the middle of the table and turned my head towards the great oak doors, waiting for Granger to show up and praying that she did so before Draco did.

She walked in about five minutes later, whispering to Harry and pointing to a piece of parchment, which I recognized as my letter. All my worry receded and was quickly replaced by anger. I should have known that she'd bring Potter into it. I wrote that I wanted no one but her to read the note but obviously she either didn't care or considered everything to be subject to Potter's approval. I watched the pair sit down at the Gryffindor table and swore under my breath while they continued to chatter over her letter. Weasley appeared two seconds later, which, to my relief, stopped Potter and Granger's discussion.

I quickly masked my annoyance when I saw Draco walk in with Blaise; Crabbe and Goyle were not far behind. Blaise saved me the trouble of sending away either Crabbe or Goyle by sitting on my left, opposite of Millicent Bullstrode; Draco sat on my right as usual.

"So, how bad were your classes?" asked Blaise promptly, turning his full attention towards me.

"Typical, why do you care?" I replied simply. Blaise was not one to pay much attention to anyone save Draco or Professor Snape during certain occasions.

"Well, Draco told me that you've decided to keep a lot of the more 'interesting' classes and I thought you might have some complaints. After all, you're taking pretty general classes; aren't you going to try to concentrate on one field such as healing or something related to ministry work?"

"Why would I complain? It saves me tedious hours of homework and I'm not particularly fond of Runes or Arithmancy so there's no point in taking them. Also, in case you've forgotten, I'm heir to my parents' fortune so I don't need to work. I'll probably marry into a rich, pureblood family and then I'll _really_ be in no need of a job."

"Ah, very true, how _could_ I forget," he replied with a scoff as he added, "Aren't you and Draco betrothed already?"

"No, and it's none of your business," snapped Draco suddenly. I had wondered when he would throw in his own two Galleons but still, why did the question annoy him so?

"Now that I've given you an answer, you might want to turn around and pretend you care; the leader of the "I Love Potter" fan club is about to say something that's, no doubt, unneeded," I quickly interrupted, giving a slight nod in the direction of the staff table. Dumbledore had stood up and was waiting for silence. I heard Draco snicker softly next to me but I paid him no mind as I stared blankly at the Headmaster. He said a few 'quick' words about our first day and then sat down.

At once, the dishes and goblets before us filled with food and drink. I took a sip of my pumpkin juice as Draco started up our usual start of term discussion, Harry Potter. Draco seemed to have thought of quite a few plans and it wasn't long before he turned to me for my input.

"Assuming you want an idea that doesn't automatically implicate you, I suggest you find a way to hang him from the Astronomy tower or blame him for some horrible Potions accident. Not only will it provide something to look at that's more interesting than Snape but it'll also land the rat in detention. Just swap his powdered dragon's claw for some crushed snake's fangs and you'll have a lovely, albeit contained explosion," I said flippantly.

"That would be a good start but it's not big enough. Nott, any thoughts?" Draco asked, turning to face the sinewy, dark-haired boy.

I tuned out Theodore's reply and focused on my possibly upcoming meeting with Granger. I knew exactly what I would say but the thought that Potter might attend our little rendezvous made me think over my choice of words. Immersed in my thoughts, I just barely noticed the end of dinner. Draco, too absorbed in his vindictive chatter, did not notice my lack of hunger and I waved off Blaise's questions with a silly excuse.

I took my time leaving the table, watching so that Granger, Potter, and Weasel left before I did then made a point of exclaiming how I wanted to brush up on some of my Potions notes. Making an offhand remark about my possibly coming in late, I walked out of the Great Hall and headed towards the library. I took my time reaching the library, even ducking into the loo just to waste time. When I finally arrived I hid myself amongst the shadows and made my way quietly towards where I instructed Hermione to meet me.

To my satisfaction, she was sitting in the darkest, most reclusive table in the library just as I had asked and she was completely alone. I stood in the shadows observing her for a few more seconds before stepping out into her view, directly in front of the table.

"Pansy? You sent the note? Why in the world do you want to talk to _me_?" she asked in disbelief.

"If you let me talk, maybe you'll find out. Are Potter and Weasley hanging around somewhere? I do remember saying that I'd like to keep this whole thing privately," I replied as I took my seat opposite her.

"No, I know what 'private' means!" she exclaimed. A slight blush painted her cheeks and she understood that I had seen her speak with Potter.

"Really? Well, I would think so; you're quite clever, I must admit. Now tell me, what do you think this meeting's about?" I asked. It was hard to admit that she was quite able for a mudblood. However, it would be harder still to explain why I suddenly needed her help.

"I haven't the slightest idea why, Pansy. If I did, I would've gotten straight to the point which you're keenly trying to delay."

"Very well, I'll just lay it out frankly. I want to join Potter's little defence group," I said quickly. I glared at Hermione upon hearing her derisive snort.

"Oh, that's rich! You? Pansy Parkinson, one of the most popular Slytherins, wants to join a group run by a Gryffindor? Oh, and it's not just any Gryffindor, it's Harry, the one person you're all too eager to insult. Really, Pansy, if you wanted to waste my time you could surely think of other ways," Hermione responded mockingly as she stood up to go. I stood up as well and reached out for her arm.

"This isn't some joke, Granger! I do indeed want to join Potter's-"

"His name is Harry and you'd have better luck trying to convince me if you used my name. It's Hermione, not 'Granger'," interrupted Hermione, sitting down at the table once more.

"Alright, can I finish? I want to join Po- I mean, Harry's defence group because," I paused. I really didn't want to tell her the reason; it made me feel weak and inferior.

"I want to join because… because I don't want to be a Death Eater," I finished quietly, turning my face away from Hermione. I looked out at the window and stared at the night sky, which was speckled with stars. It reminded me of another night, not too long ago, when I had first thought about the things I was now saying aloud; the sky was just as clear and starry as it was one year ago with the one critical difference being the absence of the Dark Mark. Hermione soon interrupted my tiny reverie.

"I don't… I don't understand! You're a Slytherin and the best mate-"

"Thank you, _Hermione_. I know who I am and with whom I associate. Look, I don't feel that I need to give you any more answers than that. Just tell me, can I or not?" I replied coolly, my face still turned away.

"Well, it's really not up to me, is it? Harry started it and I highly doubt he'll let Draco's best mate in," answered Hermione with a hint of irritation.

"One, I'm _not_ Draco's best mate, not that it's your business. Two, can't you talk to Potter? I mean, Harry. Can't you convince him or something?" I tried to keep a neutral tone; I didn't want the mudblood to think that I was pleading or desperate.

"Why don't _you_ talk to Harry, he doesn't bite. He might want to hex you into next Thursday, but I'm sure the feeling would be mutual."

"If I could talk to him, I would have. He's rash and doesn't think things out; he would say no before I could say a word. I know you have some kind of influence with him, can't you do _anything_?"

"I guess. I don't know why I should, though. You've only given me some excuse about how you suddenly don't want to be a Death Eater. That could all be rubbish and you know it. Tell me the truth, Pansy, or I'll leave and forget this whole gimmick. Prove to me that you mean what you say, prove to me that you want to really learn, prove to me that this isn't some Slytherin ploy to get revenge on Harry, any of the members, or myself. Prove to me that it means something to you, Pansy," she said, as her voice grew to a forceful, almost angry, tone. I knew she was looking at me, expecting some answer from me. What could I do? I had to give her an answer yet the truth wasn't something I would want to give freely. Weighing my options, I took a breath and started part of my story.

"You don't know what it's like to come from a family of Death Eaters. Every day, my mum or my dad would blather on about the Dark Lord and tell me how amazing he was. They didn't believe people's tales of his death; they insisted that he was just hiding; increasing his power until the day he could return. Two years ago, they were proved right."

I kept my head down as I said all of this. I wouldn't let the mudblood see how hard it was for me to say all of this. I had never spoken any of this to anyone or written it in some pathetic journal. Now here I was, spilling my secrets to the one person I thought I'd never have use of.

"When the Dark Lord returned, I knew my time had come. I had grown up listening to my parents' tales of how powerful and terrible he was. I was taught the importance of my bloodline and the importance of its preservation. My earliest memories are of my mum telling me about how hard and terrifying it was to serve him. She used to say that the reward came in knowing that I would live a better life when I grew up. I was raised to become a Death Eater; I was to be ready to join him when he returned and now he has. Yet, I don't want to join him, I never wanted to, and I never thought I'd really have to."

"I've overheard many of my father's conversations. I know what it's like inside the meetings; I know the things my parents have done in the name of the Dark Lord. I don't want that. However, my parents don't know about my feelings. They think their dear, ickle Pansy is going to pledge herself to the Dark Lord like a good little girl. My time's limited, Hermione. I can take the Dark Mark as soon as next June when I turn seventeen. I need help and I took a chance and turned to the only thing I could think of."

I finished my stupid explanation and turned to face the window again. A tense silence grew between us until Hermione cleared her throat and spoke.

"I still can't say yes, Pansy. It's not my place to do so. I will talk to Harry, if you like, and arrange a meeting between you two. That's the best I can do."

"The best 'you could do' would require you to invite me to come. However, I'm not in a position to argue your decision so I'll take what I can get," I said as I stood up and grabbed my books. "In a week, meet me here with his answer or just bring him along. I want no mention of this outside this area. You are not to contact me unless it's an emergency, in which case you should use a school owl. Do not talk to me aside from what is necessary, if at all. Taunts, jeers, and cruel remarks fall under the 'necessary' in my case so don't assume this meeting was some sort of game."

"Demanding aren't you? I'll speak to you next week, goodnight." With that, she turned to leave but had taken only a few steps before turning around. "Is Draco really not your best mate?"

"Maybe, maybe not," I replied simply, walking past her.


End file.
